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SATIRE: How to succeed

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Many people say that High School is one of the most challenging obstacles to face in one’s youth. If you don’t know what you’re doing, you could easily traumatize yourself for life, become a failure and destroy every shred of hope and meaning left that motivates you to keep breathing on a daily basis.
If you want to avoid needing therapy every day for the rest of your life, take my advice. I promise, if you do just as I suggest, your high school career will be a breeze and your future will be stress-free and full of endless luxury.
Don’t do your homework. Really, it’ll just get in your way. Studying? Forget it. Seriously, don’t even bother. Worried about that GPA? You’re wasting your time!
Throw every homework assignment your teachers give right into the garbage. Better yet, make a bonfire and watch it all go up in flames. Go all out and invite some friends, roast some marshmallows over the toasty flame and make s’mores.
Of course, if you do this, you’ll very likely see a decrease in your grades, and your teachers will lose all respect they may have previously had for you, but that’s all for the better!
Colleges probably won’t want to accept you either, but that’s fine. Who needs to worry about the future, when there’s only four years left of high school and then the real world?
Be mindful of how your physical behavior affects your fellow classmates. If you do this, you’ll have no problem making new friends. Some of the best ways to be considerate to the people you see at school are the simplest.
First of all, walk as slowly as humanly possible in the hallways. Second is to stand still in doorways and on the stairs during passing periods.
You can even make it into a game where the goal is to slow down, or make as many people despise you with a searing passion as you possibly can.
If you can, stand in front of peoples’ lockers in the morning and at the end of school so they can’t get into their lockers and get on with their lives. One of my personal favorites is when people kick my seat while I’m trying to finish up my work in class. It really helps me wake up in the morning!
It may seem like these are sure ways to end up with no friends, but on the contrary. They’ll respect your innovative sense of humor and befriend you faster than ever before!
If you have headphones in and you’re in a silent room full of students that are studying, testing, etc.., turn the volume up as loud as you can stand. You may think this would be annoying to the students that are trying to accomplish things, but rest assured, they love hearing the muffled sounds of your music while they’re trying to concentrate on what they’re doing.
It will help to stimulate their ability to learn and absorb information, especially if they have difficulty taking in information due to something like ADHD.
If you can’t listen to music in class, then whisper as loudly as you can without getting in trouble to the people around you.
If that doesn’t work, then tap your pencil on the desk or mess with a creaky desk. Any way to make noise is great for the classroom setting, and it’ll be sure to make you popular with your peers and your teachers.
My last piece of advice is to work well with others. If you have to do a group project for class, know that there are many helpful things you can do to take part in completing the assignment successfully with your partner(s).
The first thing you’ll want to do is communicate with who you’re working with. If they don’t work in the same way you do, ignore them and do it how you want to do it. If they tell you that the information you’re using is incorrect, ignore them and continue working how you want to.
At some point you may start feeling like it’s not even a group project anymore, but don’t worry, you’re still technically in a group. It’s somewhat like a country divided, but it still counts as a country, so we can call it a country.
If, by the time you need to turn in your group project, you and your partner have completely different final products, you’ll need to decide which project between the two looks more correct.
Examine the projects of your peers as well to get the best estimate of what may be the best choice. Put your name on the one that seems the most accurate and trash the other project. If your partner seems annoyed or upset with you, they’re probably just joking around or having a bad day.
If they seem down, any of the advice given above is guaranteed to cheer them up and strengthen your bond with them.
As long as you stick to these golden rules, you’ll have the best High School Experience you could ever possibly have.
Just remember, don’t stress over homework, be mindful of others, careful with your noise level, work well with your partners, and most importantly, I am not liable for anything arising from the negligence or fault of yourself, for your death, disability, personal injury, property damage, property theft, or actions of any kind which may hereafter occur to you. Good luck!

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SATIRE: How to succeed