SATIRE: 2017 Oscars break record for worst best songs

On Tuesday, January 24, 2017, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced its nominees for its 89th annual Oscars celebrations. Among its nominees were Denzel Washington for Best Actor in “Fences,” “Zootopia” for Best Animated Feature, and Meryl Streep for Best Actress in “Florence Foster Jenkins.”

Unlike the Oscars of the past eighty-nine  years, this year’s awards ceremony is different, and will be highlighting mediocrity in Hollywood, forgoing the traditional “Best _______” awards, in favor of a more unconventional distinction.

“We’ll still call them Best Pictures, Best Actresses, Best Screenplays, etc.,” AMPAS President Cheryl Boone Isaacs said, “but, they won’t be. We’re trying our best to misrepresent modern cinema everywhere.”

After announcing their controversial decision to pick the worst movies, directors, and scores possible, the Academy has been criticized by Hollywood’s elite.

In a tweet, published hours after the nominations were announced, 2013 Best Actor winner Matthew McConaughey said:

“#Oscars what are you doing?? Picking the worst instead of best? Where’s the clasS man? Thats not #alrightalrightalright!”

This year’s Best Original Song nominees may be the most controversial in decades. The critically-acclaimed movie musical “La La Land” had two songs nominated for Best Original Song. Both ‘Audition (The Fools Who Dream)’ and ‘City of Stars’ won nominations, and neither were memorable.

“I’m not sure why they picked those ones,” ‘La La Land’ star Ryan Gosling said, “I thought maybe they’d pick ‘Another Day of Sun’ or ‘A Lovely Night’- you know, the good ones. I don’t know what they were thinking.”

Amid the controversy, many Academy members have come forward to support the change, and defend it.

“[The Academy] listened to all the movie soundtracks of 2016, then carefully hand-picked the worst, most offensively obnoxious songs we could find,” newly-inducted Oscar voter Raphael Saadiq – ‘Epic,’ ‘Love and Basketball,’ said, “We really try to weed out the good ones, and highlight the ones that never really leave your head.”

With incessantly repetitive songs like ‘CAN’T STOP THE FEELING’ by Justin Timberlake, for the film ‘Trolls,’ making the cut, and songs from the critically-acclaimed Irish movie musical ‘Sing Street’ being left in the dust, many movie-lovers are up in arms. However, The Academy plans to continue to overlook excellent achievements in movie magic, in the hopes that some day Americans will forget what quality cinema is, as they walk brainwashed into Michael Bay’s newest raunchy robot flick ‘Transformers 13: Loud, Ploughed, and Well-Endowed.’