While my peers headed into the final weeks of the semester preparing for our exams, my focus was elsewhere. These next few weeks were going to be some of the hardest weeks as the start of tech week for my last ever Nutcracker with the Dubuque City Youth Ballet. I had dedicated the past twelve years of my life to ballet and this would be my ninth and final Nutcracker. This year I had the privilege of performing the roles of “Party Parent” and “Principal Italian”.
Heading into tech week felt normal, it had the feeling of any other tech week and didn’t feel any different than being in the studio. We ran each act separately, before putting them together, and then finally with costumes and makeup. It truly did not hit me that it would be the last time until I hit the stage. Looking out and seeing the dancers I’ve known since forever and realizing it would be the last time I would share this experience and space with them left a strange feeling in my stomach. Tech week was a surreal experience when I had the mindset of “I’ll never do this again.”
On Saturday was when I really began to feel nervous and sentimental. At the end of Mandatory Class, we circle up and have a “pep talk”–being in the circle for the last first time made me emotional. All of us seniors had a collective talk about how weird it was that it was our last opening night. We had seen our friends before us at this moment, but now that it was us, was bizarre.
Getting to perform six shows this season was truly the greatest privilege I’ll ever get–to know that so many people love our company and production that we sell out is a feeling I’ll never get over. However, it does have its downsides. It was so exhausting. Going from tech week and trying to cram in studying for exams to then going into weekend one and more studying to finals week plus week two starting during finals is a lot.
The last Mandatory Class had a strange, somber feeling. I had just done three other shows back to back but as I walked into the green room for the final time, an unknown feeling entered and sat in my stomach. It was silent in the senior dressing room, the feeling I had been dreading yet preparing for all week. Before class, I walked around downstairs and took it in before I couldn’t. Some of the best memories of my life were in playing hide and seek in the random wood storage or vacant dressing rooms that would soon be filled with the little boys. Class was quiet that day, maybe it was because everyone was so sore and tired, or maybe they knew it was goodbye for the seniors. As we gathered into the circle, I started crying, even before Ms. Megan could say a word. In tradition, she asked the seniors to step into the middle of the circle and asked everyone to congratulate us and the hard work we’ve given to the company. It was a sad feeling throughout, and everyone could feel it.
When the curtain closed for the last time, it was such a bittersweet feeling. Sunday was a blur for me, I blacked out immediately as soon as I stepped foot into the Grand for the last time.
I remember turning to Lily Graham, who played Principal Spanish, and saying how grateful I was that the Cavalier blocked me during Curtain Call because I was already bawling before the curtain closed. As the curtain fell, Lily and I hugged right away. I truly couldn’t believe it, the best twelve years of my life gone on a random Sunday. Sunday is such a blur to me now, but all I can remember was how I couldn’t stop crying and stop hugging people. Ballet has been such a huge influence on my life; and knowing it was over was awful and knowing this would be my last time dancing at the Grand Opera House, since Swan Lake, was even more gut wrenching. I’ll always miss the people at DCYB and the memories it gave me, but this isn’t goodbye. I’ll be back but this time in the audience.
