Simply put, things suck right now. Coronavirus has definitely taken its toll and quite frankly, I’m over it. It’s affecting sports, eating out, going to school, seeing friends, visiting family, and basically anything else that brings joy to my world. The virus has made it tough for everyone, but some people may feel like they’ve been struggling regardless of the virus; myself included.

I’m going to open up about how it’s been for me because I feel like there are other people out there who need to hear someone talk about it. I’m struggling. The past couple of months have been hard for me, not just because of the pandemic but because I’m not sure what I’m doing right now. 

I’m a senior, next year I’ll be in college, in exactly two months I will be an adult. That is something that is so scary to me. I have no clue what I’m going to be doing with the rest of my life. I don’t know what I want to be or where I want to go. I don’t know how to pay taxes or pay bills. I don’t even have a checking account, let alone enough money to put into it.

I’ve been struggling to find enough motivation and energy to get things done. I have a list of things I want to get done, but I just can’t seem to find it in me to get them done. I know I’m behind in a lot of things, applying for colleges and scholarships, making money, even some of my classes, but I just can’t do it. I stay up too late, I don’t have the appetite that I used too, and I sleep too much. For the first couple of weeks I was making excuses for it. I’d tell myself I wasn’t hungry because I wasn’t working out as much as I’m used to, or that I was taking naps because I was tired from doing so much. After a while I realized that wasn’t the case.

I have a pretty good life. I have two parents who are still in love, I have a loving and supportive family, I have plenty of friends, I’m blessed to have things that others don’t, I don’t have to pay any sort of bills, I’m a varsity athlete with good grades and supportive teachers, many would say I’m spoiled. So what’s wrong? Why am I still lacking confidence? Why can I still not just figure it out and get it done?

I ask these questions a lot. I feel ashamed because I know I’m capable of bigger and better things. For example,  I’ve been playing basketball my whole life. I’ve been on the varsity team since I was a freshman. I know that I could have played at a high level college, but I ruined that dream because I was too scared to just play. I was too focused on what would happen if I messed up that I didn’t grow and live up to my full potential. I get good grades, but I know I’m smarter than my grades show. If I wasn’t so scared of asking for extra help I could be higher in my class ranking, but instead I’m in the dead center.

I overthink things. For example I’ve never had a boyfriend because every time a boy likes me I overthink it. I think it’s just a joke or a dare, he doesn’t really like me he’s just bored, He’s going to leave soon because I’m not pretty enough to keep him, he probably already lost interest, there’s so many things I make up that end up forcing me to just stop trying. I end up staying up so late because I think about every little thing I’ve done wrong or any embarrassing moment I wish I could change.

I bottle things up. I tend to keep my feelings to myself because I don’t want to burden people with my problems. I don’t tell people when I’m upset, I don’t tell people when I need help, I don’t tell people when I don’t understand. Instead, I attempt to deal with everything on my own and that’s not good. With all of these problems I’ve started to realize that it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to tell people when you aren’t okay. You should never feel ashamed for being you, for getting upset over something, for needing extra help or feedback. Sometimes people mess up, we make mistakes and that is okay.

Figure out what makes you happy. Do those things and use them as outlets if you have too. Find ways to make you feel better, more confident, more organized, more productive. It’s okay to not be okay, but you shouldn’t keep it to yourself. Let people know and help. You aren’t alone, everyone breaks down every once and awhile.

Sharing can be difficult, I understand, it’s uncomfortable and awkward. But sometimes that’s just how things are. I’ve almost never shared my feelings with anyone willingly, but here I am writing an article about it. Take the risks and do things that make you uncomfortable. Gain that confidence and push yourself to be the best version of yourself. Don’t be afraid to fail. If you’re struggling, please reach out. There’s so many people who want to see you succeed. I’m working on getting better. If I can do it, so can you.