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SATIRE: How to love yourself

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Being asked to talk to fellow peers in high school is definitely something that should make someone nervous. However, I’m not phased by this and I’m willing to give good, cold, hardcore advice.
Everyone this age may be “rebels” and “too cool to listen to people because they’re to basic for my aesthetic”, but sorry girl, put down your Skinny Tea and listen to this real life T.
Firstly, respect upperclassmen. This is not only for your well-being, but for your reputation as well. If you see one coming your way, get onto your hands and feet and praise them like the God they are.
They’ve already survived everything you went through, and maybe they could share a bit of their wisdom with you. If they push you down the stairs, thank them for helping you understand how it feels to be nearly sent into a coma. Always thank them and love everything they do.
It’s like going into a job and disrespecting the manager. Once you disrespect the manager, they’ll be making you work late-night shifts, clean toilets, and pick up their dog from the groomers. You don’t want to be THAT kid, do you?
Make friends with all the teachers, even if the teacher does call you “a racist, basic person who can’t design a yearbook for your life”. Teachers are the prison guards of the school.
If you want to reduce your sentence and join the outside world quickly, be their favorite inmate. Crack jokes with them and try to be friendly. And if you’re failing, don’t worry! Talk to the teacher and make ‘em smile. Remember, the more laughs you get, the higher your grade will be!
Love your fandoms and love who you are, but keep it on the down low if they’re a bit out there. Everyone’s not going to comment on how much they love seeing you wear a tail and refer to yourself as Queen Foxxy Roxxy from Galaxy 2960.
No one’s going to say how much they enjoy seeing you slam your face into multiple different styles of bread, even if the bread is fresh. Find those who also love to dress up as other beings and slam their faces into pastries.
People will always critique you, no matter what you do. They can take everything away from you, but they can never take away your truth. Always keep that truth with you, no matter how insane it is.
Not all relationships last, no matter how bad you want them to. Yes, you may have a guy that looks like your very own Zac Efron. He may treat you like the Queen of England and bow down to your every whim. However, if it’s not working, it’s not working.
Fellow peers will get tired of seeing your irritating on and off relationship. We get it, you guys have dated at least 20 times and each time you break up, another locker gets dented and more cuss words are yelled, scaring everyone and having them run for cover because Hurricane Katrina’s back.
“Omg, you’re crying again because he didn’t text you in five minutes saying how much he loves you? Oh, you guys should DEFINITELY break up.”
Like, no girl. Please. Stop. Immediately. This relationship isn’t a washer or a dryer.
You can’t keep repeating the same cycle because at some point, the machine will break, then you’ll have to buy a mechanic, and then the cycle will keep on repeating until you find out that you should’ve just bought a different machine than use the machine you’ve been using for the past 50 years.
Throw it away and get yourself one of those boujee ones that have strobe lights and play music as they wash.
Now I hope none of you got burnt by this spilled T and listen to what I’ve said to you. Though these aren’t all the tips and tricks you’ll need, these are enough to make sure that you’ll get out only going to the E.R once.
Keep on pushing and you’ll make it to graduation. Hopefully you won’t trip on the way there, but a few bumps and bruises are expected. Brace yourself for all the years to come.

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SATIRE: How to love yourself